THE CONSTANT INFINITY......

on the edge....

2008-11-21T13:53:00.000-08:00

Days like this come often in ones life when we remember what we have forgotten..Our fears, our weaknesses, our strengths,our long lost emotions and most importantly our purpose to live..I have wondered over and over again over the mysteries and sought answers in books, in pages, and in words that I heard from those who I felt knew a lot more than me....The answers have always been so simple.." So simple yet so complicated.".... Same has been Life..."So magical yet so deadening".....So I have spent a hundreds sleepless nights like this one and still marvelled over the same questions that hunderds have been enquiring each day.. But only few of us have the strength to walk on this road which leads to the unknown...and rest of us will spend another sleepless night or nights and ask the very same questions...And soon the day wud come when we would repent.."Only If we would have listened to the angels, read the Signs and had not doubt what Life had offered us."....Only If we had lived in the true means...

Goddess wished me Happy B'day.....

2008-11-15T11:54:00.000-08:00

Well....Its past midnight...and I turned 26 some 200 mints back....Friends hav been asking for long whr I plan to throw the party and how m I going to celebrate this B'day...I told them I had no big plans..why?? I dont kno....Neways...
The day "ie 15th nov" has been hectic as usual...Though it was a saturday, we still had an early morning class..but as usual we were late ..The faculty was a pain in the ass..lol..{pun intended}..Well somehow the boring lecture got over and around 2:30 pm I got back home..and had a word with my sister...She asked me if I m planning to visit my aunt who was not well and was admitted to the hospital some days back... so I got ready and went to see her at 4...{the visiting period is frm 4 to 6 pm}....
I took one auto and as usual spent 2 mints bargaining wth him for 5 bucks...... Atlast he agreed to take me to AIIMS ofr 25 bucks.....On my way I cribbed abt the traffic. I argued wth him abt how he cud hav taken another route which was shorter...I was also worried that I wud now hav to cross the road as AIIMS was on the opposite side of the road and coz of the metro work the roads were really messy..
Anyways I reached AIIMs at 4:30...I asked the gatekeeper, "bhaiya whr are the wards?"....He said, wht?...acchaa..."waaards"...ohh..Go straight he told me...I reached the building..eeewww..I covered my nose wth my stole . The stench was too strong and I hav always hated visiting hospitals for that very reason..I took the stairs instead of the lift as it was just second floor whr I wanted to go. I didnt want to wait for the lift..For next half mint I kept looking for some recognizable face..ahh..There they were...My aunt, her daughter-in-law and one more relative...I paid my greetings to my aunt..I wanted to hug her but than I realised....
How pale she had become...She was looking so frail.. She had the oxygen pipe on her nose..I just stood in the corner for some mints as thr were no chairs to sit..There were three other beds in that room..and each bed was provided with only one chair .For the next 15 mints we just talked abt general stuff...Hows collg, hows studies, hows life in the rented flat, hav I been eating well, why hav I lost weight etc etc..I asked how she was feeling..She didnt hav her hearing machine on so she had problems hearing me but she nodded in btwn our talks..Eji {big sister} who was also the {the daughter -in -law} of my aunt replied in her place.She told me that the docs were gud and "her" condition is better now..Earlier she had been really unwell..She had problem breathing coz she has infection in her lungs and on top of that she got another infection in her chest...The antibiotics she was taking were so strong that she had got big blisters in her mouth..Her hands and wrists had gone all blue black coz of the injections and the needles they hav been poking on her body since so many days..I got goose bumps hearing abt her condition..
Well mean time I was observing the other beds...The patient in front of us got discharged that same very moment...She was a gal in her teens...Her sister and her dad were with her..Eji told me that the girl had fever for long and they had to admit her coz she wasnt recovering..well i didnt inquire much abt her...they left in another 5 mints...
And than there was another bed to our left...
I cudnt see the patient...but I saw the woman sitting beside that bed holding a baby of about 7-8 months..The baby was getting restless and was crying..The mother was trying to get the baby in a better mood...
In front of that bed there was another bed where thr were two people...One elderly male in his 70s and one elderly woman in her 60s..Eji told me that it was their son who was sick.. He had been ill for long and still the docs havent been able to track the cause of his illness..She told me that the guy was an engineer in Jindal Corporation. He got married 2 years back and he also has a baby of 4-5 months...The elderly couple were his parents..well just than we saw that the guy woke up...They whispered something among them and than next moment the old man helped his son to go to the loo..He was suffering from severe loosemotions..The guy was just wearing a pair of underwears.. He held his buttocks wth one hand..His legs had grown so thin that one cud see the bones protuding out...The elderly woman took out some fresh clothes from the cup board..Eji asked her abt the people who had come to visit them earlier...She told us that those were her daughter-in-law's brothers...Their son had been in the hospital for over three months now..and she started talking abt her family...Each person in their family was educated and well settled..Her husband was an advocate. So was her son and one daughter..Both of their daughter-in-law's were post graduated in Science stream..She said,"We hav been here turn by turn. Earlier there were my children and then my Son's In-laws and now its us...She said that the whole family is scattered now...The childern are staying elsewhere...and they hav no idea when their son is going to get well...Their house was locked for days.....I knew that they hav gone haywire coz of the circumstances they were facing.
Meantime I witnessed another scene..The patient on our left woke up and wanted to visit the lavatory..He was a man in his late 20s..He was very tall and coz he had grown so weak he was looking weird..He had a small head and long legs..I was surprised to see that he was wearing jeans..may be I just expected him to wear loose comfortable clothes like other sick people arond..His wife accompanied him to the toilet...On one side she was holding her baby and on another her husband..When they finally came out , the man lied down and ordered the woman in his authorotative tone" blanket" ...he said again.."put blanket on me...now". The woman meekly bowed to his wishes...By this time the baby was getting more restless..She had sleep in her eyes..But the woman had her concentration towards her husband..When he finally settled down she rushed to the outside...
There on the other bed the patient had returned..They had tied a towel on his waist..I didnt want to look at him so I lowered my head...The parents covered the sheet on him and changed his underwear..They also made him wear a diaper...and helped him wash his hands...
Just than the doctor arrived...He was assisted by a junior...He was tall, bulky and was wearing a pair of spectacles.. He strated checking on his patients... Wen he reached the patient on our left he inquired about the caretaker..The woman came running from the other side..She was carrying a flask and a tifin along with the baby...The junior doc inquired if she got the required medicines from Room No-11...by than I knew that the patient was suffering from TB as they were talking abt DOTS and said that its available for free..He showed the report {which was a green coloured sheet} and asked again and again..almost shouting on the woman.."did u go to room no 11?" The woman replied that she had gone to room no-11 but they told her that she has to get more tests done...The senior doc said something to the woman and told his junior in english..." U do something about it...She is just a dumb, stupid female ..He reapeated, she is dumb"...
Well..It was my aunts turn now..Eji asked me to stand to pay some respect to the doctor....well I stood up..even wen I didnt want to...not coz I didnt respect the doc but I was too consumed by the things which were happening around me at that point of time..well.... Thankfully my aunt's reports were fine and doc said that she is doing better now...Though they might hav to keep her for a few more days but her condition was better than before..hmmm
I was almost into tears after witnessing it all but the watchman saved me...He waved and said that it was time...the visiting period had just got over and we were supposed to return now..I told eji that I shud leave and I hugged my aunt. I told her that I m going to visit her soon wen she gets back home..and I left.....
I came out of the buliding and moved towards the main gate...While I was coming out of the gate I felt as if I m coming from another world. and moving towards another..It was a world of pain and agony...but still it was that place where U cud experience the feelings u thought never existed inside U...I was wondering how that guy must be feeling who was sick fr 3 months...Who hadnt seen his wife and his newborn daughter..I wondered how he felt wen he saw his parents taking care of him just like how they had done the same some years back....changing his nappies..taking him to loos..feeding him wth their hands,,and wen now he is grown and all he wants to do is take care of his parents and his family, he is struck in a situation where he can do nothing but feel obliged...
I wondered how a woman can be stupid and dumb wen she was taking care of a man and a baby all alone even wen she has no help from outside and no one to guide her..
I wondered from where did those old people got so much strength in their bones that they cud carry their grown up son...... I wondered....and I wondered..
I reached the main gate but I didnt wait for the auto..I walked...I walked all the way back to my place..This world was still the same..People were running behind the buses, rickshaws and taxis...Buses were honking...Roads were messy..People were staring...My feet had gone dirty...But..
But I wasnt complaining any more...I wasnt cribbing...I was happy...and I was sad as well...I was happy coz I was healthy, alive and still part of this world ..There are problems in life but I was happy coz I knew that these problems are trivial and as long as I hav my health and people who love me I can face everything and I can fight back to make it better.. ....
But I was sad coz I was thinking why we need to witness such places and such situations to appreaciate Life and wht we have...And last but not the least..I was thankful..I was thankful to the Goddess that once again she has introduced me to Life....to a new begining..may be it is her way of saying...."Happy B'day...make the most of ur Life...

This post is dedicated to all the woman out there!.....be blessed...

2008-11-06T07:29:00.000-08:00

U see that little girl on the street , begging for a coin?
I hav a part of hers....look closely and u will see I have her eyes....
coz U will see the world which is so soiled, yet so beautiful..
U see that woman waiting for the train to go to work each morning?
I have a part of hers....look closely and u will see I hav her soul...
coz the World bows on her feet and ganders in amazement....
U see that woman who sang U to bed each night wen u were scared?
I hav a part of hers....Look closely and U will see I have her Heart...
coz it has so much Love that even the Gods await to possess it...
In all, I m what Every woman of this world is....
I m Complete.......

kismet...............its all up there..somewhr..

2008-10-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

Of what I see of her , I can tell U...but its the obscure that counts......It is there she belongs, that world where agony and agape live side by side.....and without its mysteries it cannot survive.........for years she has sought one that is unattainable....and it is what she hides even from herself....She hides it deep within herself...deep within her soul....Let the world see only what is not real....it is not in her nature to be afraid....But....the past dwells once again....Someone once again frays the sores of the wounded soul...why??? why now?? ........She had promised herself never to let anyone lift the curtain...the curtain which hides the unspeakable truths...the ones which doubts everything,, trust, love, feelings, pain and even her sole existence....but these only can answer for what she is today and also for what she is not...But these secrets must not be revealed....she must hide it once gain before it shatters her world apart...It is not in her hand to decide for herself......Let alone the Goddess decide what is meant for her...Let alone fate decide..till than its just Life....Its just her........

One Day....Some Day......!

2008-09-23T00:58:00.000-07:00

This what I feel right here,
Is more than what you wud care....
Not this life, not this moment,
but; I treasure all the dreams we share....
The music of souls shall continue,
Till; One day Some day she answers my prayer...............

Here I go again!

2008-09-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we walked together
Holding hands in the rain.
Today u are just a distant memory
A shadow that reminds nothing but pain...
My heart grows jealous of the past we shared
Let it be punished I said; but all in vain
I died a thousand times,all this in one life
Living with this eternal Lie; Here I go again.....

........................

2008-04-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

Of all the feelings,
there is one, still unknown
Of all the faces,I see her, still standing alone
Its the one which can save her, from eternal damnation
The ONE which is nothing , but the sum of everything that is to be known.....

the phoenix!!!!

2008-01-31T10:35:00.000-08:00

For long I had her inside me...
She was my thought & I her belief..
I nourished her with my blood
I loved her as a mother should..
......Now that she is grown I feel all scared....
coz of the secrets I ever shared....
She knows my every strength
But better the weakness instead....
.......And now wen its time to serve for the purpose
I see her trembling coz I feel she is nervous
I tell her not to be afraid
& burn me till "I" die.....
to save me from me I must be abluted
For I m destined to be born out of my own ashes.......

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-31T09:22:00.001-08:00

Scared that she may be
but who wud u call brave?
I who live in captivity or.......
She who has broken the reins.........

Love is rt here....

2008-01-29T10:06:00.000-08:00

It was just yesterday
thats wen I told my heart
Nothing will remain the same
As u will move apart.....
but even today, I see it, I read it
That love is right here, when I need it, I feel it.....

No matter wht I say
you are there far away
I can hear u shout my name
Blaming life for playing games
Its true that even today
I see it, I read it
LOVE IS RT HERE...wen I need it , I feel it....

LET GO.......

2007-11-29T12:29:00.000-08:00

I walked alone for so long.......now that
I am tired I need someone to hold on......
.....So many secrets hidden in this heart that i need to share..
..................before it tears me apart.....
Time's running fast , leaving me behind my own shadow.....
.........not sure that how long will i stand
....................to just let IT go.......

CLUELESS.....

2007-11-28T11:34:00.000-08:00

Hey! look wht i found just now...
The burning desire that has no flame
but always i knew i will get the blame...
The sky is angry, the water complained
Why? why did u made us all that blue
If only they know they have no colour....
silly they are still struck with the clue....

Wish they knew why they r made that way...
they have the magic to change black into gray..
But the sky got envious everyday...
How come the water bore the darker blue today?...
...........So it asked the moon to make it non-blue
.& thus were formed days and nights
....to discover the meaning of endless clues.........

SALVATION.................

2007-11-27T11:51:00.000-08:00

It was difference that bought us together
It was difference that drew us apart
So was the time that left us wondering
Not that u were right or I was wrong....
Since u have gone my life is the same
Shall I move ahead or stay with the remain...
Thoughts come to my mind
which no one can define
but the sun still rises and the moon still shines....
They see me smiling and laughing with joy
NO...they are not blind .....its my heart who cries
I found my salvation through my weakness
........Its not the love but the sorrow I posses......